Mushroom Bacon Breakfast Pizza

There’s this feeling that has seeped into nearly every moment of mine lately. This realization that I never before experienced as a Mormon, stay-at-home mom, married to a man with a steady career. It now pervades my minutes, drizzles itself about my days, sits all over my sleep, and whittles it’s way into my work.

It is this feeling of uncertainty.

What will tomorrow look like? Where will the money come from? Am I capable? Will they discover I don’t actually have any clue what I’m doing? Will I be alone forever? What if I totally mess it all up?

I was on the phone today with a work contact who lives in NYC. He was chatty and kind, and took me of guard with his vulnerability. “You get to a point in your life where you think you’re supposed to be doing a certain thing, making a certain amount of money…not still trying to figure it all out…yet I’m still trying to figure it all out” and together we dove into this truth like it was a meaty dish. Agreeing with the equally terrifying and thrilling state which is uncertainty. Not knowing. Not having all the answers.

Having once been the sort of person that thought I had all the answers, I asked him the question I ask myself, “do you like it? Does walking the tightrope of the unknown excite you in some way?”

To which my telephone companion replied, “Oh, not in the moment. But afterwards? Afterwards I’m so glad.”

How true. When I feel that fall of the gut, that fear of the unknown, ponder the chasm of the future right in front of me…I sometimes wish I could have all the answers. In the moment, I don’t want the responsibility of deciding what direction to set my feet. It doesn’t always feel good having faith in the weak-kneed soul that is myself. But then I realize. This in the only way…to lay down the dots one at a time, hope for the best, trust others, ask questions, work with all your atoms, be ready to lose it all at anytime. Because, that’s just the way life works. And answers can only come in the looking back–when we draw a line between those dots we’ve walked and make the connections in retrospect.

And, of course, that can only happen when we move far enough forward to turn and see the trail we’ve left behind. So we keep on moving forward. Us, with our frail bones and fragile hearts. Yet the moving makes us strong beyond comprehension. The blazing of the trail shows us power we didn’t know we had.

It helps to know I’m not the only one doing this with my days. It helps to know that, somewhere in NYC, a guy I’ve never met feels just as unsteady about his tomorrow as I do. Yet, he pulls on his Patagonia and treads into territory unknown. He pulls together his resources, trusts the recesses of his mind, and sews the hours together with his own special seams of creativity and grit and hopefulness.

Ellen Bass, I think, proffered the prayer perfectly,

“What would people look like
if we could see them as they are,
soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?”

I once thought I had all the answers. I once thought that was the way to live. Life felt secure and unscary then. I settled in, laid back, allowed myself to become complacent. Sometimes, I wish I could go back. Sometimes, in the moment, I don’t like walking the tightrope.

Then, I look down and see the sinew in my legs and feet. Feel the fire of a mind that must make magic of unorganized matter. Relish the tense readiness of this heart, beating with hope, no expectation of return. And I realize. The answers never served me. They simply stopped me, kept me soft, told me the work had been done.

But the questions. Those nagging, looming, gigantically uncertain questions…they call me forward and keep me small…and remind me to relish everything. Because you never know what tomorrow will bring. (But it’s certainly fun to try and mold it anyway.)

My darling, honey-soaked friends. Make love in your kitchen this month with my Mushroom & Bacon Breakfast Pizza. All hot and ready for you over at the Mushroom Channel. 

16 Responses to “Mushroom Bacon Breakfast Pizza”

  1. Colleen says:

    Beautiful post, Brooke! I can see how the uncertainty is unnerving…but you are living authentically. Lucky, lucky you!

  2. Rana says:

    My kids just asked me this morning what I wanted to be when I grew up and I still don`t know. I`m looking forward to everyday and exploring it and myself and watching where we go.

  3. Lisa O. says:

    So beautifully and thoughtfully written. You have all the wisdom you need to meet life’s challenges!

  4. Michele says:

    Love this beautifully written post Brooke! It is so true that believing you have all of the answers can make you soft instead of pushing you to risk and reach for new, exciting, fulfilling experiences. I do enjoy precious moments of knowing. Knowing that I’m on the right track, knowing when I feel a spark of inspiration, knowing that I’m strong enough to handle my challenges. I don’t like the feeling of constantly questioning because certainty feels more secure, however, certainty is rarely lasting. The longer I’m alive and in wonder the more I ‘see’ that I don’t know as much as I thought I did. Change is constant and really knowing this can be frightening at times because we all want to feel secure and safe. Some of us like to take risks and giant leaps of faith because if feels exhilarating and empowering. Being vulnerable to life and its surprises is also full of exhilaration when we learn to be open to whatever the universe has in store for us and trust that in the end everything really works out and we will be okay. Love you!

  5. Love this post, lady! Thank you for sharing your heart. And the recipe for these pizzas, because girl, these are so much YUM!

  6. Skye says:

    Absolutely love this post! I’m student teaching right now – walking my own tightrope. And I totally identify with your feelings of both fear and empowerment. Your kids are so lucky to have such a thoughtful mama. All my best to you.

    p.s. Thought you should know that the link to the “brown sugar” post does not work.

  7. I quit my paying job over 11 years ago to be a stay-at-home mom and have pondered all of this and more. Besides exercising, cooking/baking have been the only things that keep me sane! I started my blog 5 months ago, and it’s extremely fulfilling, but I still wonder where it will lead. Cooking school? Cook book? A baking business? Who knows. I am trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up as well. You’re doing a great job here, and you should be proud.

  8. Ana M says:

    I’ve been without a job since June and just moved to California with my husband and our dogs . Everyday is uncertain as I search for a job and battle with the guilt that I don’t actually want to work and would rather write and refinish thrifted furniture. What I am certain of are the little things, like that I’m going to make this pizza because not only do we love pizza but my husband is always saying to “throw an egg on it”.

  9. OOOOOOOH my heart goeth pitter pattereth!

  10. Susie says:

    Beautifully written post- you have such talent! You put into words so well what I am feeling these days.

  11. Holly says:

    Oh, Brooke. How I needed this message today. Thank you for your honesty about the fear of walking the tight rope. Your words were in my mind earlier about living a Technicolor life, and I so much want to run toward that. But I know the finish line is really this tight rope, and that gives me the heebie-jeebies. But, it’s real and it’s beautiful and it’s exciting. Just like you!

  12. Tasha says:

    Oh Brooke, I adore you.

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  14. Wilmer Appl says:

    Bacon is a cured meat prepared from a pig. It is first cured using large quantities of salt, either in a brine or in a dry packing; the result is fresh bacon (also known as green bacon). Fresh bacon may then be further dried for weeks or months in cold air, or it may be boiled or smoked. Fresh and dried bacon is typically cooked before eating. Boiled bacon is ready to eat, as is some smoked bacon, but may be cooked further before eating.:

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  15. Donnetta Alo says:

    “Mushroom” describes a variety of gilled fungi, with or without stems, and the term is used even more generally, to describe both the fleshy fruiting bodies of some Ascomycota and the woody or leathery fruiting bodies of some Basidiomycota, depending upon the context of the word.^:’*

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